just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
