I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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