I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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