Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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