Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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