im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
