Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
