I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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