There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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