I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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