i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
