I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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