Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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