when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
