what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
