I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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