if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
