I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
