I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
