You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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