She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
