i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
