Are we in a gay sports bar?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
