respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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