My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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