R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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