obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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