i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
