my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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