My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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