"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
