guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
