you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
