there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
