Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
