do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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