I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
