I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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