i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
