I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
