Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
