I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
