You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
