A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
