Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
