imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
