I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
