cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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