Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize