Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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