my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i came on her dog
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
