One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
