Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
