When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
