I just pynch a tree in the face
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
