my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
