She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize