nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
