Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
