The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's official drugs can't kill me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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