my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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